Some of Kramer's best lines...

What can I say? I like to watch Seinfeld. Even watching the reruns make me laugh. Provided below are various comments and witticisms from Cosmo 'The AssMan' Kramer...


"I'm useless Jerry!"


"Wrong, Mujumbo"

"I'm like ice baby.... when I don't like you, you've got trouble!"

"You're on cowboy!" (This was on the episode when Kramer was betting on flights at the airport.)

"Hey Buddy"

"You're Sick"

"Kenny never hurt anybody"

When told the Cadillac he was driving had the Northstar system he replied, "I don't use it."

"...or am I SO sane that you just blew your mind?!"

"But what am I gonna do for fruit?!"

"Look away, I'm hideous!"

"Kramer (Referring to the activities of his video bootlegging friend): "It's a legitimate business."
Jerry: "It's not legitimate!"
Kramer: "It's a business."

"Ya, ya."


"Sweet justice!"

"Lets go"

"Yo diggity dog!"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"

"I'm a man among boys"

"I'm out there, Jerry...I'm really out there!"

"He's rippin' me off!"

"She's got the Jimmy legs!"

"My boys can't swim!"

"Kenny? ...Kenny?"

Jerry: "Cockfighting? That's illegal!"

Kramer: "Only in America."

"Yippie Yi Yeah"

"Right now there are six hundred Titlists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit them [very over excited] into the ocean?! Now picture this: We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and [makes a golf stroke], that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then . . . gueeleep!"

"I'm gonna surround myself with wood! Wood, Jerry...wood!"

"Job? I've never had a job," he *muses.*

"I coulda' been a millionaire, Jerry! I coulda' been a FRAGRANCE millionaire!"

"I got the Jimmy arm!"

"I'm not a pimp!"

"I'm dangerous Jerry!"(when Kramer has the lure of the animals)

"She needs a little Kramer."
Jerry: "THEN, she'll need a little SHOT OF penicillin"

"TCB Jerry,yup I'm taking care of business"

"Yo mama foo"

"I'm afraid of the Clowns!"

"Please Jerry, I need that chicken!"

"Jerry, they are not midgets, they are little people!"

"Look at me, am I beautiful?"

"Jerry, I know myself. When I'm out there, and it starts to go down, I'm not gonna back down 'til it's over."

Kramer to George when George gets women's glasses: "May I have one of those, madam?"

"That looked like milk to me"

When they found out his name was Cosmo, he replied "Alright, the cat is meeoooow out of the bag!"

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Ass Man"

"You better believe it, buddy!"

"I'm going through this stuff like water"(while he's drinking water)

"My rods and cones are all screwed up!"

"I'm burned out, Jerry... burned out!"

"Stick a fork in me Jerry, I'm done!!"

"Eveningwear, swimsuit, talent, POISE!!!"

"My little Jerry"

"God! us!"

"My face is my livelihood"

"Beef o' reno, I'm so keen o' - on Beef 'o Reno - what a delicious cuisine o' - Fit for king and queen o' - Yeah, eat up - I've got 34 more cans."

"Without rules, Jerry, there's chaos."

"Wo, wo Gingga"

"It's no picnic !!"


"Ah c'mon, help a brother out". Trying to get Jerry to bring back some Cubans from Florida

"Once those gorillas accept've got it made in the shade..ccc"

"Bad chicken... mess you up"

"Let's go"

"It's was like a flabby-armed spanking machine" Kramer complaining to Jerry, referring to the geriatrics in the pool while trying to swim laps.

"I am telling you Jerry I saw a half-man, half pig!!!"

"I'm looking right at you, big daddy"

"You blew it, boy!!"

"Oh, I'm the real deal" (when asked about his golf game)

"Sweet Maria"

"It's not illegal" "It's against the law," Jerry replies. "Well, yeah."
Trying to convince Jerry to get illegal cable installed.

"My boys need a house."

"Understudies, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theatre world."

"I'm gonna drop dead!!"

"When they pull out that needle, I let the expletives fly!"

(referring to George) "He's a sweet kid"

"Yeah...I'm Batman" to George- talking about driving bus

"It's pronounced: thermometer "

"Poor Lily" - referring to Susan after she died

"Pam. Pam. Paaammmm." (talking to Jerry about Jerry's girlfriend, who Jerry doesn't like, but Kramer does.)

"Not Bloody Likely!" (in bad English accent)

"I've got to get my core temperature up" (after sleeping in the hot tub with the broken heater)

"Up here, I'm already there!(When Kramer goes to California)"

"Do you have any cafe lattes"

"Oh, I AM Kramer!" Referring to fake Kramer on pilot

"That television you watch, the sake you drink, even that kimono you wear...where do you think all your dollars are going, Jerry? That's right ... the Japanese!"

"Well... this is some 'risky business!" (while girl kisses his neck)

"Oh I've been known to drink a beer or two. 'Course I've been known to do a lot more than that!"

(to coke addict at bar) "Oh I'm hip... to the whole scene man!"

"When you're on my set... you clean it up, mister!"

"That's Kooky Talk!!"

"You stupid, stubborn , silly man"

"My guys are flowing Jerry."

"He's a reasonable man Jerry, but he's insane!"

"Ah come on Jerry, I'm begg'n ya!"

"It's Macaroni Middler"

Kramer in a sauna "It's like a sauna in here"

"Come on Jerry, I'm beggin' ya!"

"Two cafe latte supremos"

"The game of world domination"

"I guess I got confused"....said really fast, referring to a recipe that he screwed up.

"I STINK !!" (when he admitted that he stink in golf)

"It's a Festivus miracle."

"I wish I won't drop dead."

"The one from the Hennigan's"

"You're as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job." (to Georges big-nosed girlfriend)

"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"

"Machu Picchu" (after tasting chip at Mayan clothes store)

"Y-y-you stink!" (after watching Elaine's dancing)

"A real bru-ha-ha"

"Listen to the bells Grosbard, they toll for thee!"

"Vanda-what industries??, no, you're way, way off!"

"Oh... I really think you're wrong"

"Bran...One hundred percent, I got a big problem"

"The beach!!!!!!!!"

"I missed my chance" (To go to the toilet)

"Well, there was an incident"

"I broke the covenant of the keys"

"Oh, I'm familiar!"

"Flinty !!"

"That's quite a honk, you should get some vitamin C, with Rose hips and Ribo-bioflavanoids!"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Little Jerry was born to cock fight! "

"Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries ... I don't know!!"

"Pinkus...... poor little Pinkus" ( Kramer referring to the murdered dry cleaner)

"The bus is ... out of control"

"Is the verdict in?" referring to the fat free frozen yogurt.

"It's a nipple."

"Just what i thought, they're dominicans!"

"You're an anti-dentite."

"Welcome to Anytown USA" (when Kramer sets up a porch atmosphere in front of his apartment)

"Jerry, these are load bearing walls, they're not coming down"


"Now I'm driving the Bus!" ( Kramer after taking over for passed out driver while bringing severed toy to hospital)

"I'm out there, Jerry.... and I'm lovin' every minute of it."

"Watch out, boy!"

"Oh, I get by!"

"I like to help the humans." (after Jerry accuses him of being a Pod)

"I punched Mickey Mantle!"

"Mother nature is a MAD scientist"

"Just because big Jerry is a has been doesn't make little Jerry a never was"

Kramer: "It's a write off Jerry, they just write it off."
Jerry: "You don't even know what a right off is, do you?"
Kramer: "But they do, and they're the one's writing it off"
Jerry: "I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back"

"Ohhhh Mama! "

"Ohhh yyyyyeeahhhh"

"He gives me the stink eye! So I give him the crook eye!"

"Then I scream out...I'm hit!!" (magic lugie episode)

"Can't you to see you're in love with each other?" Talking to Jerry and Elaine

"I'm losing it Jerry"

"I got all my appointments right up here!"

"You better get to work"

"See you don't know how to act"

"You can't fire me, I'm Santa"

" Now if you don't mind ( to Elaine) Jerry and I need to go to bed!"

"I'm Dr. VanNostren....."

"So, what's up, ditidito?"

"Can you believe this is Merve Griffin's cigar stub"

"I will not play on a public golf course...I can't!..I won't!!"

"Here's to feeling good all the time"

"You know who you are? You're even Steven!"

"You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly!"

"Uma Jerry, Uma"

"I wasn't looking for a long term relationship" After his girlfriend is killed by the serial killer in LA

"How'd you know about the guy in the park?" - third installment of "The Keys"

12 years earlier...
Jerry: "What's mine is yours."
The K man: "Really?

"I'm lovin' it Jer'!"

"Occupado!" (From the episode where Kramer faces gangsters in a pizza parlor, backed up against the door, gives the eight finger sign while holding a condiment shaker)

"Yeh-tet-tet-tet-hello"(When Kramer meets Jerry's 2-faced girlfriend)

"I need the security Jerry" when switching from briefs to boxers

"We're on this guy like a stink on a monkey!"

"Do you ever yearn?"

"Just a little place I call we'll see" (Kramer test driving Jerry's new car and the sales asks where they're going)

"GO!!!!" (Kramer answering telephone)

"Oh there's nothing in there that I haven't seen before." (Kramer entering a women's changing room)

"Am I a Hipster Doofis?"

"Tet-tet-catfight!" (with Elaine in catfight episode)

"Don't worry boys, Cosmo's at the caboose"

"It's fusilli Jerry"

"Saddle up and ride"

"I sold him my clothes, Jerry"

"Oh, I've gotta big problem Jerry!(addicted to Kenny's chicken)"

"They kept ringing the bell!!"

"You're a raaaaaaging anti-dentite!!! "

(To Darren, the intern) "Oh, that's Jerry. Don't worry about him."

"I like to stop at the duty free shop"

"Jerry, she rubs with love!" [When Kramer was getting massages from Jerry's girlfriend]

"You've got three pints of Kramer in ya"

"Listen to your pulse Jerry: HEY BUDDY, HEY BUDDY!"

"I get up to open a window it's too hot, I turn on the air it's too cold, I can't get into "the zone"!"

"She's brimming with Positivity Jerry!!"

"I hate those Spice Girls"

Kramer fills his mailbox with bricks.
Jerry: "Where'd you get all these bricks?"
Kramer: "The whole building's made of 'em!

"Big dank!"

"Watch out boy!!"

"My wife has inner ear infection"

"Well he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it Jerry!

"I tell time by the sun"

"I'm not Kramer" (about the shower)

"Jerry, I need papaya!"

"So do you think people will still use napkins in the year 2000... or is this mouth vacuum thing for real"

"Its the wood that makes it good Jerry!!!"

Some Mickey Mantle lines

"Actual dreams men not dare dream of"

"So you are the assman"

"I know it sounds glamorous, but it's business as usual at KRAMERICA."

"I'm mentally distraught?"

"I suck 'em down like Coca-Cola"

Elaine's starving artist ex-boyfriend asks Kramer - How do you do?
Kramer: - "I do well.

"I love you Mickey, I love you"

"Levels Jerry, levels"

"I saw Joe Di Maggio at Dinky Donuts"


(eating an oreo) "You don't like oreos? (to Elaine) The way you peel 'em and....(making eating sounds) its like you're having art with them!"

"The street toughs, Jerry. The street toughs took the armoire."

Kramer: "No, thanks. I don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon."
Women: "But everybody wears an AIDS ribbon."
Kramer: "Thats why I don't wear it"

"Gittyup daddio"

"Newman you Magnificent bastard you did it!"

"My apartment looks like a ski lodge"

"I'm dying here, Jerry. Elaine...she wants me."

"You got butchered" - to George's girlfriend after her nose job

"They got pies" -going to the cabin"

"You suffer for your soup" - to the soup nazi

"uh, High School equivalency" - at Elaine's stud auction

"now I think you're in love with Tony" - to George about guest star Dan Cortez

"Look at me aren't I beautiful"

" He Lost It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

" These were real hooters"

"I'm loaded up baby". (when he comes home from the wholesale store)

"Yeah, are you Gak? Well here's your money". (throwing pennies all over Gak's floor).

"Well then...I guess one of us should leave" (to Jerry in Jerry's apartment)

Kramer singing "The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.." to the tune of The Wheels of the Bus while Jerry tries to concentrate on anything but art.

"Did the K-man do it, or did the K-man do it?"

"How about ketchup and mustard in the same bottle"

"Oh I'm stressed."

"Manana? I'm doing nada."

Kramer playing pool with maestro's conducting stick: "You know where it's goin'!"

"Your not Kramer. I'm Kramer"

Jerry asks. "Hey Kramer do you like the Drake?" Kramer replies. "Oh I love the Drake"

"Kara-te, Jerry, Kara-te!"

"It's not the size of the opponent, it's the ferocity!"

"Kenny? Kenny? Kenny!!!??"

"You are the wind beneath my wings" Kramer singing to Bette Midler

"Literally, what's that supposed to mean?"

"No more talking, starting now"

"They really want me out of there, tomorrow they are using asbestos"

"What day is it/it's Tuesday/that's funny, it doesn't feel like Tuesday/Tuesday has no feel"

"I'm like a naked innocent boy roaming the countryside"

"Handicapped people don't drive"

Kramer Says "Happy Birthday Jerry."
Jerry says, "It's not my birthday."
K-Man says, "I think you're wrong.

after being referred to as the assman, Kramer replies "You got that right!"

"Its the bro"

"Serenity Now, Jerry. Serenity Now"

"Jerry, everyone needs a screen porch"

"I woke up in the east a saaaaack!!!"(when the K-man was swimming, then fell asleep while on the couch with his girlfriend and she thought she killed him and dumped him in the east river.)

"Fuscili pasta because you are silly Jerry!"

"I will set my mental alarm"

"The ass-man's in town!"

"The monkey started it!"

"Jerry I'm cooked!!"

"So played"

"Make love to the wall pervert!"

"Crazy Joe Devolla kicked me in the head"

"George was making more of his pudding skin singles. They're delicious!"

"Right this way Mr. Doody"

"Ooohh, I like ring-dings."

"Hellooooooooo!" (making fun of Jerry's funny talking girlfriend)

"Yeah, my friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. now he's sitting in a chair by the window saying 'my name is Bob'"( in a high pitched voice)

"And I even ordered a pair of Chinos from JCrew"


"And with his help someday we'll get that chicken" (referring to his KRAMERICA intern)

"This sounds capricious and arbitrary"

"I can't mince!!"

"I'm looser than creamed corn"

"A coffee table book about coffee tables, that sits on a coffee table and has a coaster on the cover."

"He was just a fat little mental patient."

"I'm all backed I can't get it back!"

"You're a disgrace to society!...I love you!"

"We just missed the death blow!"

"Hey, Georgie boy!!"

"I have elephantitus Jerry"

"Ya'll come back now, ya here."

"I'm going back to New York."

To Jerry: "You have any meat?"

Zookeeper: "Mr. Kramer, he's an innocent primate."
Kramer: "So am I!

"Cosmo Kramer, Proctologist" from the assman episode, when he parks in the "Doctors Only" parking spot

"You aren't allowed to brush 24 hours before going to the dentist."
Jerry: "I thought it was eating before surgery....";
Kramer: "No, you MUST eat before surgery. You'll need the strength !!!!!!

"Is that a Titlist?" (after George tells the story about him rescuing the beached whale)

"Guess I hit snooze!"

"You think these hands have been soaking in ivory soap junior?"

"The balls just sitting there Jerry and I can't hit it!"

"Level's Jerry, I'm building levels."

"But what am I going to do for tupperware?"

Elaine: "I shave"
Kramer replies: "Not everyday

"It's how I maintain my natural glow Jerry"

"Look at you Jerry, You're pathetic!"

"Kinda like it myself!" on the ape episode

"Whoa! That's a lot of potatoes."

"So you have a reaction to the poison!"

"Cause little Jerry is doing more with your name than you ever will"

"Yeah, but where does the meat go?"

"Jerry, I never could find the stockroom."

"Wooooommm wooommm" when Kramer is given a slinky by the latvian orthodox sister

"Give me a pop, Jerry"

"Oh my god, they killed Jerry"

"Yeah, I cooked this whole meal in my bath tub! Thanks for installing that garbage disposal, Puddy!"

"These eggs suck!!!"

"I don't have no concentration"

"Welcome to flavor country"

"It's hideous Jerry, hideous"

I used to have a problem.

I have many relations.

Watching Jeopardy in Jerry's apartment: "What is 'Here Comes the Judge, 'Here Comes the Judge'!"

asking Elaine why she didn't invite him to be in the bachelor auction: " I could raise enough money to cure polio (pause) polio!"

Master of Domain episode: K-man sees naked woman next door, leaves, comes back in two minutes: "I'm out!!!'

"You are one sick mama, I like it!"

"Why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown?"

"Let's see if I can get a smile from the femeninas."

Kramer at the gas station with Rick.
Kramer: "I'll get you a couple of Twix."
Rick: "No, I don't like coconut."
Kramer: "OK, I'll get two mounds"

"Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a Top!?"

"That's a prickly one!" (when he blows the circuit of Elaine's neighbors apartment)

"I'll tell ya who's an attractive man: George Will."

Elaine: "Well, he's smart."
Kramer: "No, I don't find him all that bright.

"You're not doin' too bad yourself." Kramer in response to the man who thinks Cosmo is disabled and "very independent."

"Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament on C-SPAN." when Jerry asks Kramer why he can't watch a video in his own apartment.

"What's in the deep end?" Kramer in response to the pool guy telling Jerry to "keep out of the deep end."

"That's an Enzo!" - referring to Jerry's botched haircut.

"If I had a kid I'd name him Isosceles - Isosceles Kramer" - after viewing the perfect triangle Jerry drew freehand

"You banks are all the same, with your hidden fees and service charges." "No more banks - I'm keeping my blood in my freezer WITH MY MONEY!" - rate service charge hike at blood bank

Elaine: "You, I'm more responsible than you are!"
Kramer: "Don't be ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood.

"Can you do me a solid."

"My Cubans!"

"I'm flippin', I'm floppin'"

"This is where I want to be, Jerry!!"

"I have thought of a new idea for a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! .... I'd call it PB and J's"

"The flavor has no place to hide." (regarding thinly-sliced meat)

"Say, nice eye patch!"

"Behold, the "manssiere"!"

"I was just admiring your "reading material"! (Kramer referring to Dr. Tim Watley's choice of Penthouse for his waiting room magazine)

"He's the telephone guy!" (Leaves Jerry's apartment then returns in 5 seconds)...not that there's anything wrong with it!"

"But I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! (when asking Jerry and George if their ready for a steam)"

"What is pie! Giddy up!" (when Kramer's watching Jeopardy at Jerry's Apartment)

"Got any double crunch?"

"Hi, Mike" (addressing George, after Kramer was hit in the head by Crazy Joe Davola)

"You know those people, you know they're mentally ill?!"

"Rock on!" (to George, who was wearing swimming goggles when he lost his eyeglasses)

"Con Dios? That's rude!"

"What's wrong with that, Jerry!"

"Mr. Marbles...he's perfectly harmless."

"Well hello, I'm Mr. Pennypacker. I am a very wealthy industrialist, philanthropist, aand- b-bicyclist."

"I'm not a serial killer" (approx. words)

"How often do we do it?"

"Do you wanna have some fun!!??"

"Now thats impossible."( on the show when Bette Midler Guess stared)

"Yeah. A video on how to make sausage"

"ya ya"

"let's go boys"



"How bout those Lakers"

From cafe latte lawsuit episode (in response to Jerry, said very fast): "Oh, I can be very litigious!"

From episode 53, talking to George about Susan: "You've got to listen to the little man"

"I'm down" (meaning 'count me in')

"You use to be up here Jerry, now your all the way down here"

"She's hungry Jerry, Got any food?"

"How do I look Jackie?"

"Jerry, I think it's going to be okay. The lady at the end just smiled at me."

"There were some other guys floating around." - when Kramer goes swimming in the East River

(to Elaine) Yeah, tell me about it soul sister!

Jerry (re eyepatch): "You look like a pirate."
"Kramer: I want to be a pirate.

"This is how society works, Jerry, and if you don't want to be a part of society, then WHY don't you just MOVE to the EAST SIDE!!"

"You can forget about watching TV while you're eating dinner. ("I can?") Oh YEAH! And do you know why?? Because it's 'dinner time!'"

"Look at Jerry... he's a fancy boy"


"There's a naked woman across the street"

Jerry:why did you force that mint on me?
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a jr. mint, it's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!
Jerry: yeah, that's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!!!

"yamahama it's fright night"

"...So he won't go peeping around for it like some people ... YOU!" (When he was hiding the keys to his "Strongbox".)

(Calling Jerry from a phone booth down town, lost and hysterical) "I'm at 1st and 1st. Wait a minute, how can a street intersect into itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"

(Responding to Elaine's Comment that the about the Soup Nazi): "He's not a Nazi. He's just a bit eccentric. Most geniuses are."

Kramer: "Okay Elaine. "
Elaine: "You do it."
Kramer: "I thought you would."
Elaine: "But haven't you done this before?"
Kramer: "It was no picnic!"
(Before blowing a neighbor's circuit with a paper clip)

"Jerry, you know this is my busy time of year" (having worked for 3 days)

"oh, come on!"

"there's one right... there!!!!" to George when he buys chinese hair growth"

"so, your the assman..."



"Its killin' me Jerry"


"I think your GAGA over her!!!"

"I'm ready! Glory, Halleluiah!" (Referring to the last episode when everyone thought they were going to die on the plane.

"Uh. Is that a titlist? A hole in one."

"She would look good in a scrunchy Jerry." (Referring to Jerry's girlfriend, who Kramer fell in love with).

"Hero" [talking like a movie person]

When waking Jerry in the middle of the night; Jerry: "What time is it?"
Kramer: "It's four.

"I can't go to jail Jerry"

"chk chk, giddyup"

"How often do you cut your toenails?"

"What have you done to my cable boy?"

"Will you stop it man.... You're freakin me out!"

"It was destroying my brain cells..!"

"ddododododoo que voulez vous ?" (trying to speak French in last episode)

"Hello, Mr. Weatherby, Veronica, Archie"

"Hello and welcome to movie phone."
"You have selected, Agent 0, if this is correct press 1"
"You have selected, Brown Eyed Girl, if this is correct press 1"
"Why don't you just tell me the movie you'd like to see

"Who do you think te Dominicans come after if they have no work, El Presidente"

"Doc-ah-di-chi-chi-no"(from the second Seinfeld chronicles)

"I'm hit" ( screamed while explaining the Hernandez spit scene)

"If i see one piece of brown meat in there its your ass buster"

singing 'pistol packing mama' after getting his chance

"You are a tenacious little monkey, aren't you?" (referring to Darren, the intern)

"I don't care about where you come from, how you got here, or what happened to your homes." (When screening the homeless to pull the rickshaws in "The Bookstore"

"Mother Nature's a MAAAAAAAAD Scientist, Jerry!"

"Step back son, there's nothing to see here." From the episode, "The Frogger" when Kramer puts police caution tape around Jerry's fruit bowl.

"major femininas" (last episode)

"You want these (referring to the gulf clubs) I don't want them... I stink"

"It's definitely preposterous"

"you see these ladies I got showin ? you think they're scared?" (playing cards)

"Well, you are a tenacious little monkey"

Elaine: "How do you tell time?"
Kramer: "I tell time by the sun"
Elaine: "How do you tell at night?"
Kramer: "Night's a little harder, but it's only a few hours

"Its bad MOJO!!!!"----the backwards episode

"Hoochie Mama!Hoochie Mama!!!"---as Kramer is getting sprayed with silly string

"I'm being typecast"---when Kramer gets gonorrhea twice

"Good luck with all that"----while talking to other actor at the hospital

"You've got to mulch Jerry,You got to!"----When Kramer gets the screen door

"He's out'ta here"---referring to homeless man who ran of with the rickshaw

Kramer--"I've cut slices so thin that i couldn't even see them"
Elaine--"How do you know that you cut them then?"
Kramer--"I just assumed i guess

"I guess I didn't plan ahead" (selling his suit to Bana at the department store)

"Rusty......Rusty!!!!!!!" (referring to the horse with horrible beef-a-rino farts).

George asks "What's a barometer?"
Kramer interjects "It's pronounced 'thermometer'

"I'm king of the counting"

"I'm going to hire you as my latex sales man"


"D D Done"

"I broke an egg." After Jerry looks down at the floor and sees that Kramer has put police caution tape around a broken egg.

"They're Messing with your head."


"Rusty, I once knew a horse named Rusty, no offence."(talking to the homeless guy who was going to pull the rickshaw)

Jerry: "Lomez is jewish?"
Kramer: "He's orthodox-old school.

"Uncle....Leo. I forgot his first name."

"It's a very sane food."(talking about the old hotdog from the Alex Theatre)

"She can bring home the bacon, and fry it in the pan."

Elaine: "You've seen The Omen, right? What was that kid Damien?"
Kramer: "Oh nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

"Who gets to ride in the rickshaw, Kramer or Newman? Kramer decides:
One spot, two spot, zig zag tear
Popped tie penny dot, penium tear.
harum, scarum ripum tearum
tay, ta, tow


"Do you know what you do at dinner time? You talk about your day! 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well I don't know, how was your day today?"

"I don't know. But I woke up this morning faced with a giant red sun in the shape of a chicken!"

"She, a coquetish habitish, who I pursued and then she withdrew. And then she pursued and then I withdrew. And so we danced. And I burned for her. Much like the burning during urination which I would soon feel later."

"I'm Kramer! You know who I am, dammit!"

"Wide open Jerry! Wide open!" (Jerry's door)

"I'm not, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area"

KRAMER'S LAST LINE- (not including his hysterical laughing at Jerry at the end) "I got it. It's out! Oh boy, what a relief!" (referring to water in his ear from a trip to the beach--his attempts to get it out are what caused the plane to crash which caused the four of them, ultimately, to land in jail.)

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